I LIED

I had a discussion recently with someone about mental health in the church. We need to be okay to not be okay every single day and support each other. Pray. Get Counseling. Then Pray some more. Below is what  poured from my heart:

Forgive Me. I lied to you.  

I lied to you a lot.

A clever, cute, quip..  “blessed and highly flavored.”

Yes. I am blessed. 

But the flavor of the month  is salty.

Salty attitude

Salty sarcasm 

Both to cover  up the flavor of decade.

Salty tears. 

See I am a child of the Most High God. 

Above and Not beneath

Head and Not the tail.

World  Class Devil Stomping Overcomer

Remember??

You ain’t supposed  to know that my weeping endured for more than just a night. 

Tell me, is it joy in the morning?

Or joy in the mourning?

Or joy for the mourning while I am mourning in the morning.?

Am I a sinner because my mourning don’t  feel blessed?

Or right now  cause  I ain’t comforted ?

Or  I don’t wanna be a peacemaker this time?

Am I a sinner because I am still trying to forgive but can’t ever forget ?

Hands in places they should not be

Eyes on things  they should not see

Tattooing my flesh & heart worthless but powerful words that should not be.

That won’t let me be

My poor in spirit just feels broke. 

 Even with all I have……worked for and given,

Isn’t it strange that I miss the home without the indoor  plumbing where we were all together….living.

I was only meek because I was taught to be.  Choked first by the annotate to never let them see me sweat.

Another time by a well armed versed.

 And then again by my own brown skin.

I tried … even crowned my way thru it. 

But chemo was persecution 

Radiation  was an insult  

Diagnosis was an assault  on my character .

I try to  rejoice and be glad…..or at least appear  that way.   

Honestly  I do know that there is greater in the Kingdom. My pure in heart is seeing God .

Just can’t understand why so many took the trip 

In one year

One season  

One month.

In one day.

I still hungry Lord.  I am still  thirsty. 

(Pandemics. Politics.)

Here’s  my cup Lord .

(Evictions. Convictions. )

It’s  all full up Lord.

(Riots and Racism)

Feed me 

(Say Their Names)

Cause I want no more of  this Lord 

Full and starving

Empty and overflowing 

Sister-super-sanctified 

Dying and want nobody knowing

Hush children. Hush children

Don’t let nobody be calling my name.

Is there a balm in Gilead? Do I rub it on? Do I smoke it? Does it come in sugar free gummy form?

Me who never wanted to be touched, now misses the laying on of hands.

Holy Hands

Grease my forehead and make it stop hands.

Speak a word to me.

Just don’t  kill me softly. 

I’m healed!

Just still hurting.

Walking by faith and not by sight. You run into stuff.

You stub a toe waiting for light

Soothe my silent screaming. With your truth!

You been testi-lying too?

Right?

When Jesus Wept

I woke up in the wee hours of the morning knowing full well that being a member of the over 40 (actually over 50) crowd that sleep was not going to return.

I tried my usual search for something good to add to my spirit. However, my usual comfort of “Christian” television was still replaced by election commentaries. Something I sorely needed a break from. Disappointed, I tried channel after channel, carefully trying to avoid politics and the food shows…..didn’t need to add that stress habit either.

I stumbled across a sweet but simply acted movie called “A Heart That Forgives.” Cliche story about two brothers, one a preacher and the other a drug dealer. Both in need of peace and forgiveness and the road God took them and others down the path to the altar.

I was struck by the bible being used as a weapon to keep one person out of the faith and the bible literally saving another by catching a bullet intended for his heart.

I began to weep. Mourn actually. I had to stifle my sobs to avoid waking my family. But the pain in my spiritual heart was being felt in my physical body. It took all in me not to scream “God forgive us.”

I pause here to say that this is no political statement. I have tried hard to not make any since I have witnessed first hand over the last decade or so how the blessings of democracy has demonized relationships.

Marriages, families, co-workers, friends and now congregations, fractured at the heart. Can’t sit at dinner with this uncle. Can’t go there with this aunt. Can’t be in a meeting with that boss. Can’t go to church because….

Ugh. It hurts just to say it so I won’t.

God put a desire on my heart to have our congregation to take communion every Sunday which is not our custom. I didn’t necessarily say leading up to the election but it fell that way. Communion is a time to reflect on the sacrifice of Christ. How our health, peace and salvation rested on a God that so loved this world…the world of “us”.

In doing so we had to examine ourselves before we could partake. Reflect, release, revise and revive is what I like to call it. A time to focus and honor the goodness of God by getting our hearts right with God and each other.

Here with tears in my eyes, I so pray that the entire Body Of Christ what stop for a moment and take communion. Specifically with a brother or sister of whom your political ideals do not line up with. Reflect, release, revise and revive.

Yes, I know the scripture says “how can two men walk unless the agree.” But no matter who you voted for…can we not agree that the Creator of this universe is capable of fulfilling His Word. Can we agree the He still occupies heaven no matter who occupies the White House?

Why instead are we on social media condemning each other to hell over a manmade desk that suddenly became sacred? Are we not supposed to be winning souls for the Throne of Grace instead?

Why instead are we arguing and threatening civil war over what government should or should not do? Are we not the ones who should seek to help the sick, feed the poor, provide relief for the stranger, protect our brother no matter the color, and provide a way of escape to the mother who thinks there is only one option? Can’t we protect the child in the womb and the child at the border without hating each other?

Is this pain, I imagine I am feeling what Samuel was feeling when the Children of Israel begged for a king like the heathen nations when God Himself wanted to be their Guide?

The worst of it is….the world is watching! They are mocking us as “so called christians”. Lower case c and in quotation marks because they don’t think we follow Christ. They call us “Trumpafiles” and “Bidenites”

How do we win them when they see us this way?

The more I reflected on this, the more my face was soaked in tears. Then I could hear in my mind my young grandson proclaiming the one scripture he knows verbatim “Jesus Wept.”

I remember answering his obvious question in terms he could understand. Jesus cried because he had lost a good friend. His friend was not sick anymore in heaven. But Jesus had to bring him back so that people could believe in God. Jesus cried because he wanted so much for people just to believe God was a good God no matter what happens and that things don’t always have to go your way for Him to still be good.

I wonder even now how many people that day really believed God or just what they saw? How many ran out to do the will of God or just benefited from a good show? How many believed that God can do all things with whatever He needs to…..even if it perceived as dead or stinking?

As I close and attempt to dry my eyes, I remind you that the weapons of our warfare are not carnal. I do not use my words to condemn how you voted. I just condemn how we use the bible as a weapon to keep people out of the kingdom instead of helping them dodge bullets.

If you feel otherwise, I invite you to take communion with me and let’s focus on the cause of Christ.

But whatever we do, let’s not make Jesus weep …..again

With All My Love and Hope For Better – Michelle