Odd predicament when you are starving but nauseated.
Dog tired but having insomia.
Drinking buckets of water but thirsty.
Burning up but no fever.
Chemo is reminding me of
pregnancy. This time on purpose with purpose!!!!! Still no child support. Lol
Apparently, I made things look too easy by trying to be positive on my social media. So for the sake of my sisters and brothers (yes, men get breast cancer too) who fight this battle and need for folks to know that this is indeed a fight, here are my post surgery notes:
No pity party expected or accepted.
For 3 days after surgery I thought Dorothy landed a house on me. No, I wasnt a witch but this munchkin got flatted. I smiled thru it because I have someone in my home with autism who has been with me since he lost his mom. The pain and worry on his face was greater than my need to express my pain….so i grinned and beared it. 😬
By day 4. I had downgraded to feeling like a big mac truck landed on me. Nice pretty pink one. My jaw also locked up for two days so I could not complain anyway. All 3 men in my house got a kick out of that. And i lost 6 lbs in the process. Winner, winner could not eat that chicken dinner.😕
Day 5. Got up feeling strong…thought I do a few light things and cook. I didnt see that small SUV in the kitchen that drove me back to bed.
Also it was the first day I really saw my scars. It was just my way to crack jokes about not wearing a bikini this summer or that I had to stuff my bra with socks for the 1st time since age 13. Like every “Cathys Clown” , I tried to make you laugh so I would not cry.😇
Day 6. I refused anymore pain meds. Not sure how drug addicts do this on purpose. Made me bipolar in my train of thought and seeing things. But that VW was a lovely shade of yellow😄
Day 8. Begged my husband to take me for a ride. Wanted to see Christmas lights. In true, baby riding in a car fashion, I fell asleep and saw nothing. True to Murphy’s law, i get home and my bandages are full of blood. 😜
Day 9. Got a legalized visit to the doc to take out the drain today. Only place I am going. Learned lesson from day 8😉
Yet in all of this, I give praise. One of the most excruciatingly painful events of my life but I am still very much alive to experience it. Cancer can kick rocks!!!!!!
💪💪💪💪💪💪💪💪
“ But Mary kept all these things and pondered them in her heart.” – Luke 2:19
In the past few weeks, I have heard so many complaints of not having money for “this” or not having funds for “that” when it comes to Christmas. Some to the point of “robbing Peter to pay Paul” for things they just can’t afford that will only bring them a momentary joy. Many are allowing themselves to drown in debt to prove that they are loved and that they do love. So much Christmas spirit lost to being “Christmas broke!”
Others still moan that the recent elections and darkness in the world around us just ruined the season for them. Politics, prejudice and pain instead of tidings of comfort and joy.
Listening to all of groaning (and a time or two participating myself), I now think of Mary on her first Christmas. If anyone…
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Psalms 67:7-8 My heart, O God, is steadfast, my heart is steadfast;
I will sing and make music.
Awake, my soul!
Awake, harp and lyre!
I will awaken the dawn.
To some it may have seemed like a frivolous purchase. Silly even. I have a microwave. I even have a fancy coffee pot that boils water. I even heard someone comment “surely you have a pan you can use.”
But as I labored over it with tears dripping down my face , I knew “she” had to be the right shape….not too round and not tall. She had to be my favorite kitchen appliance color…blood red. And most importantly, she had to have the right spout and damper combination….so she would whistle when things got really hot. She loudly would need to be me when I needed to be reminded not to quit.
Every time I fill her with water I am reminded that there is the water of the Word in me. Living water intended for many purposes. To Cleanse. To Heal. To Serve. To Transform.
Every time I hear the almost violent rumbles within her…..an epic battle between the water within her and the pressure of the heat beneath her, I am reminded that I can not keep what’s in me bottled up. Just like my red teapot, there will be a shaking over the fire and I will sweat and cry a tear in an effort not to burst at the seams. I too feel a strangeness because not everyone knows how to handle me when the temperature is this hot.
A three week old diagnosis of Metastatic Ductal Carcinoma Stage 2 became the angry bubble for me.
Immediately, stupid satan….the lying accuser of this “sisteren”…came to kill dreams, steal a future and mainly destroy praise. Throwing every dart of “what if”, “who gonna”, “how this, how that”, and the worst of them all…”why.”
But after allowing a good (or should I say bad) temper tantrum, Holy Spirit comes to have His way He does with me. Oddly. Comically. Lulling me into peace with my grandma’s voice singing..” I am little Teapot. Round and Stout. Here’s My Handle. Here’s My Spout. When you hear Me Whistle, Lift Me Up and Pour Me Out.”
So here I am back to my perfect purchase made perfect by the Blood of Jesus. Though I know with all that water in me Victory is assured, when the pressure is more than I can humanly stand….when this pot in my heart and soul starts to sweat and cry, all I have to do is..Whistle.
Whistle through the steam is my war cry. Whistle under pressure is my praise. Whistle when it’s hot is my testimony.
When I “whistle”, I know God hears me. What He hears is not a lack of Faith but rather that I need to be handled with care. It means it time for me to be lifted and poured out. Poured out the contents of hot Word and Worship….full of His transformative power. Destined for an overflowing of healing and blessing.
Poured out to become the best cup of testimony.
The old saying is that when life gives you lemons..make lemonade. However, I intend to float mine in the amazing Tea that God is making. Should God’s Will be to deliver me via hot process rather than immediate escape, I will trust Him and Whistle While He Works.
Until Next Time – Michelle
I would have fainted, unless I had believed to see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. – Psalms 27:13
1/7/18. I will always remember that date like it was a star date in the Star Trek Captain’s Log.
Started off as a normal Sunday set-up. I had just cleaned up the area around the sound booth and was adjusting everything to get ready for that morning’s praise and worship. Service was a running a few minutes behind, but we were still fresh off our morning’s high of pre-worship hour prayers.
Then it happened. My phone rang. I almost never answer it during service. In fact, two minutes before I had nudged one of our teenagers about having their phone in use during Sunday school.
But I recognized the number. That familiar 264 exchange that every “kidney” family in my region of Virginia recognizes.
Breathless, full of anticipation, and almost terrified, palms and face sweating in two seconds flat, I answered to the coordinators voice…. “WHERE ARE YOU?”
You see, protocol call dictates that when the organ sharing center receives a possible match, you must call the prospective recipient to make sure they are within four hours of their chosen transplant hospital. Once whereabouts are confirmed, they then say they will call you back and promptly hang up.
Yes, you read that right. In one of the shakiest moments of your life, they hang up with a promise to call you back within an hour…..or so…. If it is a good match.
I was still in the sound booth. My son was sitting on his favored spot approximately 6 rows in front of me. I didn’t know whether to tell him or not that his life was about to change because we had been disappointed by these phone calls twice before.
I simply texted him “be ready to go when I tap you.”
His answer to me was a simple “Ok”. Never even asked why. Just trusted that if I said go, we go.
For me, on the other hand, this would be the longest 59 minutes of my entire life. Seems like time and space stood still. Room temp was suddenly too warm for me and the air too stale. I can’t remember if I set the microphones correctly… pastor could have been screaming and I would not have heard him. The praise and worship team was faithfully belting out songs that my impatient ears could not discern. All I could distinguish was the rhythm of the beating drum that was now matching my racing heartbeat.
Just about 45 minutes into the process, I had to set a course correct. Not on the sound board, but in myself. I had to steady myself on a bumpy ride by apologizing to God, to Jesus, to Holy Spirit. I had become so consumed with that phone call I forgot to continue in personal worship and attention to the Word being brought forth. I was esteeming what I wanted from God…more than I was esteeming God.
It was as if in that moment, Holy Spirit was ringing within my heart and asking “WHERE ARE YOU?”
I steadied myself. I readied myself. I began to worship through tears of pending decision, proclaiming that as much as I wanted this gift to release my son from 5 years of agonizing dialysis treatments, that I wanted the Presence of the Lord even more.
As my spiritual belly began to be filled with more and more of knowing that God was with me no matter what, I heard in my spirit, “hang up” and I looked down and the phone I had been clutching in my hand rang.
Tearfully I answer. Joyfully, 58 minutes into the wait, the coordinator responded……”HOW FAST CAN YOU GET HERE?”
And such is the stuff of our walk in Christ!!!!
How often have we positioned ourselves to want and need from God, some things directly tied to a promise that we are sure He made to us, and then only to find ourselves in a position that seemed more than we can bear. We sadly turn our “knock and the door shall be open” approach to believing into a heartsick lifestyle of being unfulfilled, unsatisfied and yes, even unbelieving unless we see the manifestation of the desire.
Hebrews 11:6 instructs us that “he who comes to God must believe that He is, and that He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him. Note it says “diligently seek Him”. Not diligently seek it.
In our individual journeys, we must be careful to remember when God calls to ask “Where Are You” that we be found seeking Him and not just the “thing” we are in hopes of. We need to be diligently obsessed with His Word, trusting His timing and praising His goodness even when it seems if all will fall apart.
And when He “hangs up,” we need to trust that He will indeed call again. While we wait, we need to focus on Him and His goodness. Hang up on any thought that causes you to doubt and despair. We need to abandon our consumption with the “will He” notions of whether we will be given that perfect mate. Ignore the siren of ticking biological clock. Avoid the stress of will the money come in time. Steel yourself to know more of Him….even when your child’s life is in the balance..
Trust God and His Goodness. . Even when it seems distant….it is in God’s plan. Even if it turns differently that what you expect, it is in His plan. Even if it is a no…because of reasons greater than we understand….better is in His plan.
Let the love of Him guide you. Let knowing that He only wants the best for you to guide you. Understand that loving Him more than anything you could ask for or desire is key in the knowing that soon He will be looking to call you to higher heights and greater blessings. Some so marvelous that you will forget what you originally wanted. Reset your control and let God have His way with it.
One last question. He wants to know and I am a bit curious in my prayers for you too.
Since we are confident that God is always on time, how soon can YOU get here?!
Wow. Hard to hold back grateful tears!!! Today marks 1 month since Isaiah has been given the most wonderful gift. I am so amazed at his progress and much to his embarassment, I get mushy over each milestone. He thought it was too much when I cried watching him eat his first (approved) baked french fry in 5 years.
Want to thank everyone who has stood with us and by us. Every who helped in prayer and financially. Those who cover me at work and those who dutifully make sure my church doesn’t miss me too much. Those who brought a plate and those who pushed a vaccum. For every card and every phone call.
You will never begin to know how much this means to me. How much it means to us.
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