Category: selfhelp

Dress Code?

Posted in cancer, God, health, inspiration, love, relationships, selfhelp, Uncategorized5 Comments

I have never been a very vain girl.  Even the day of my wedding I would have preferred a T-Shirt and Jeans over the big foo foo dress and sparkly make-up.   But I knew, I had a role to play and in doing so, you dress the part. You have to be able to tell the bride from the bridesmaids, right…. or at least from the groom.  LOL.

Just six days after my 50th birthday  and on the morning of one of the toughest days of my life, I woke up with the weirdest thought…. what does a girl wear?  What does a girl wear to chemotherapy?

As of that date and 5 months into my diagnosis, I had become accustom to baby  pink and “fight like a girl” shirts.  All kinds of inspirational buttons and “you gonna make it” paraphernalia.    And while I fully believed all the cups, the bags, and the jewelry have helped to develop a mostly healthy attitude about all of this, I wasn’t feeling any of it that day.

I only wore mostly all black, not to be morbid, but because it was convenient.  It would not show blood in case there was any. My tank top had a very lose neckline so that the nurse could access the port line that had been inserted in my chest just under my skin.  From it shoots a “line” that extends into the veins in my neck.  Hate that necessary evil. It protrudes from my neck like the veins of a body builder ready to “pump you up!”

Over that and black leggings, comfy socks and shoes, I wore my favorite big blue jean shirt. My modesty point so that I wouldn’t be giving out peep shows.  Chemo and infusion wards have no real privacy.  Soft, worn, out and comfortable! Familiar and feeling like me.  Tough for the wear but easy to the touch. Needed my old friend ….very old but not stained friend,….with me like the blankie I bought with me.

And speaking of blankie, that was my one pink deviation. A good friend had given it to me. It was covered with inspirational words… each of which I needed ….none of which I actually read that day  as I watched 3 bags of what I call “glow bugs” seeping into my veins.  Nor could I concentrate on the best seller I bought with me by Michelle Obama… nor my YouTube Videos.   The only thing in my well packed “field trip” bag that got attention was my massive stash of ginger snaps (for nervous tummies) and 2 liter bottle of water (glow bugs are very dehydrating.)

For the next 4 to 5 hours, I watched a drip. Drip. Drip. Drip.  At this point in my treatment plan, my ping pong ball sized breast tumor (which I didn’t feel by the way) has been cut out… along with all the lymph nodes (two cancerous) under my left arm.    The march of drips is designed to go throughout my body on a seek and destroy mission looking for any remnants.    Best explained as looking for any rapid producing “clumps” of redundant cells  (which cancer basically is) to kill.   I wondered why it doesn’t take out fat.  I must remember to ask my doctor that next time.

From time to time a nurse would check on me.

“Anything hurt?”   –  Nope.

“Hot or cold?”  – No Maam

“Need a pee break?”  – No thank you

“Need a snack?”    –    What ya got?

“You are so funny!” she says.   “Your positive attitude will serve you well thru this”

And that is when i realized what I really wore to chemo that day.  The funny girl had worn her fraud face.

I told my husband, I wanted to do this first one alone.   Told my aunties, I got this… go live your life. My kids didn’t even ask because they know their mama.    I bravely noted I didn’t need nobody but Jesus.   And while He is thoroughly all I ever need “my outfit” had started to crumble just about the 5th hour.

I have always used laughter to cover my fears.   I use my faith as my own personal super hero cape.  Taking care of others is how I am able to fly.  My pride made me smile through the need to vomit just so the mother of the girl in the chair next to me would not be afraid.    I even commented to another that I hope my face looked as pretty as hers when my hair starts to leave me.   I joked about wanting to be a “Wakanda General” rather than a wig wearer.

In reality, I wanted to suck my thumb, something I have never done.   I wanted to stuff my face with fiery Cheetos, something I have always done.    For once I wanted to lose control and scream …. ” I hate this!, Cancer sucks! The Attack on Boobies Is Evil.” Something I will probably never do.

My personal kryptonite would not let me. I caught the one tear before it dropped.

Just then I knew I heard  My Comforter, who was still with me even when i was being fraudulent, wooing me to sleep with  the “its going to be okay” that I would not receive from any human  that day.    At some point I nodded it off, feeling my well created facade wrinkling as much as the chambray shirt I was wearing.   Soft, comfortable, tough for the wear, able to cover a multitude of flaws.  In the midst of my dreaming ( and some snoring) I felt in my spirit, “crying is okay, even for tough little clowns”

 

-Michelle

 

My Team Of Incredibles

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Incredibles2-759x500Anyone who knows me well, knows that I have always been fiercely independent and never wanted to lean9 on anybody….but yet would do and be for others whenever possible. Hey, it took years for me to let go without having a back-up plan written out for God.
Now that I am in a season of finding strength in weakness and finally allowing “folks in”, I am finding peace and joy in the presence of others that I never quite knew before.

It is not quite easy and it is never going to be 100% comfortable but in this hour God is using my team of “The Incredibles” to show me the love in the leaning.

I won’t start naming names because you have become numerous. You know who you are: family, friends, “used to be” strangers, in-laws and outlaws, survivors, fighters, care professionals, prayer partners, Bible Buddies, and my amazing team at Virginia Breast Center.

I just want to thank you all for “wearing me down” with acts of kindness, words of encouragement, prophetic utterances and hugs that I used to hate but suddenly welcome.

Again I love my “Incredibles”!! You are my strength, my stretching, my fire, my speed and you cover me in the invisible realms!!

Until next time, Michelle

WHERE ARE YOU?

Posted in christmas, God, health, inspiration, love, money, relationships, selfhelp, UncategorizedTagged , 1 Comment

I would have fainted,  unless I had believed to see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. – Psalms 27:13

1/7/18.   I will always remember that date like it was a star date in the Star Trek Captain’s Log.

Started off as a normal Sunday set-up. I had just cleaned up the area around the sound booth and was adjusting everything to get ready for that morning’s praise and worship.   Service was a running a few minutes behind, but we were still fresh off our morning’s high of pre-worship hour prayers.

Then it happened. My phone rang. I almost never answer it during service. In fact, two minutes before I had nudged one of our teenagers about having their phone in use during Sunday school.

But I recognized the number. That familiar 264 exchange that every “kidney” family in my region of Virginia recognizes.

Breathless, full of anticipation, and almost terrified, palms and face sweating in two seconds flat, I answered to the coordinators voice…. “WHERE ARE YOU?”

You see, protocol call dictates that when the organ sharing center receives a possible match, you must call the prospective recipient to make sure they are within four hours of their chosen transplant hospital.   Once whereabouts are confirmed, they then say they will call you back and promptly hang up.

Yes, you read that right. In one of the shakiest moments of your life, they hang up with a promise to call you back within an hour…..or so…. If it is a good match.

I was still in the sound booth. My son was sitting on his favored spot approximately 6 rows in front of me. I didn’t know whether to tell him or not that his life was about to change because we had been disappointed by these phone calls twice before.

I simply texted him “be ready to go when I tap you.”  

His answer to me was a simple “Ok”. Never even asked why. Just trusted that if I said go, we go.

For me, on the other hand, this would be the longest 59 minutes of my entire life.   Seems like time and space stood still. Room temp was suddenly too warm for me and the air too stale.   I can’t remember if I set the microphones correctly… pastor could have been screaming and I would not have heard him.   The praise and worship team was faithfully belting out songs that my impatient ears could not discern. All I could distinguish was the rhythm of the beating drum that was now matching my racing heartbeat.

Just about 45 minutes into the process, I had to set a course correct.   Not on the sound board, but in myself.   I had to steady myself on a bumpy ride by apologizing to God, to Jesus, to Holy Spirit.   I had become so consumed with that phone call I forgot to continue in personal worship and attention to the Word being brought forth.   I was esteeming what I wanted from God…more than I was esteeming God.

It was as if in that moment, Holy Spirit was ringing within my heart and asking “WHERE ARE YOU?”

I steadied myself. I readied myself. I began to worship through tears of pending decision, proclaiming that as much as I wanted this gift to release my son from 5 years of agonizing dialysis treatments, that I wanted the Presence of the Lord even more.

As my spiritual belly began to be filled with more and more of knowing that God was with me no matter what, I heard in my spirit, “hang up” and I looked down and the phone I had been clutching in my hand rang.

Tearfully I answer. Joyfully, 58 minutes into the wait, the coordinator responded……”HOW FAST CAN YOU GET HERE?”

And such is the stuff of our walk in Christ!!!!

How often have we positioned ourselves to want and need from God, some things directly tied to a promise that we are sure He made to us, and then only to find ourselves in a position that seemed more than we can bear.   We sadly turn our “knock and the door shall be open” approach to believing into a heartsick lifestyle of being unfulfilled, unsatisfied and yes, even unbelieving unless we see the manifestation of the desire.

Hebrews 11:6 instructs us that “he who comes to God must believe that He is, and that He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him.   Note it says “diligently seek Him”. Not diligently seek it.

In our individual journeys, we must be careful to remember when God calls to ask “Where Are You” that we be found seeking Him and not just the “thing” we are in hopes of.   We need to be diligently obsessed with His Word, trusting His timing and praising His goodness even when it seems if all will fall apart.

And when He “hangs up,” we need to trust that He will indeed call again. While we wait, we need to focus on Him and His goodness.   Hang up on any thought that causes you to doubt and despair. We need to abandon our consumption with the “will He” notions of whether we will be given that perfect mate.   Ignore the siren of ticking biological clock.   Avoid the stress of will the money come in time.   Steel yourself to know more of Him….even when your child’s life is in the balance..

Trust God and His Goodness. . Even when it seems distant….it is in God’s plan. Even if it turns differently that what you expect, it is in His plan. Even if it is a no…because of reasons greater than we understand….better is in His plan.

Let the love of Him guide you. Let knowing that He only wants the best for you to guide you.   Understand that loving Him more than anything you could ask for or desire is key in the knowing that soon He will be looking to call you to higher heights and greater blessings. Some so marvelous that you will forget what you originally wanted.   Reset your control and let God have His way with it.

One last question.   He wants to know and I am a bit curious in my prayers for you too.

Since we are confident that God is always on time, how soon can YOU get here?!

 

 

 

Happy 1 Month Birthday

Posted in God, inspiration, love, money, relationships, selfhelp, Uncategorized1 Comment

Wow. Hard to hold back grateful tears!!! Today marks 1 month since Isaiah has been given the most wonderful gift. I am so amazed at his progress and much to his embarassment, I get mushy over each milestone. He thought it was too much when I cried watching him eat his first (approved) baked french fry in 5 years.

Want to thank everyone who has stood with us and by us. Every who helped in prayer and financially. Those who cover me at work and those who dutifully make sure my church doesn’t miss me too much. Those who brought a plate and those who pushed a vaccum. For every card and every phone call.

You will never begin to know how much this means to me. How much it means to us.IMG_20180209_041557_548.jpg

You Are Normal!

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 For we have not an high priest which cannot be touched with the feeling of our infirmities;

–          Hebrews 4:15 KJV

We often joke in my household that I would never make a good politician because I tell everything about and on myself so there would never be any dirt to dig up…unless you looked under the carpet.  I believe the wearing of my heart on my sleeve comes from having a testimony of a loving God that has been too good to me to keep it to myself.  I pretty much live an open book. Or so I thought.

My ministry is the often sharing of being joyful in troubled times, trusting God no matter what and believing how He would restore all.  Nice, tidy, wonderful sounding inspiration…missing one major detail.   Maybe it was pride. Maybe it was fear.  Maybe I could not stand to have to utter words aloud that would cause me to think and deal with it or myself.

But recently I was faced with three persons that “outed” me.   One was struggling to hold on in faith when modern medicine said “no way.”  Another because of past mistakes was wondering how God could ever love her.   Finally, the third who had lost the roof over her head due to medical and legal difficulties.  Each supposing lack in their faith because they were scared, they were hurt, and they were ashamed of the way they felt.

Normally, I would have an easy answer for their queries of “I don’t understand how you do it?” But God challenged me to pull the last bit from under the rug.   It didn’t sound like such a testimony to me, but from each of the “three” I received either a “why didn’t you tell me” or “gee, you hid that well.”  Finally I was convicted by “I really needed to hear that….I am normal”.

My secret you ask?   It was simply the answer “ME TOO”.

Most of you already know that it has been close to 5 years now since my son simultaneously went deaf and into final stage renal failure.  I have not been slack to share most of the experience… highs and lows.  What I failed to share… and even now I hesitate to say it…..the day I got mad with God.

You see, after years of countless surgeries, repeated illness and thrice weekly dialysis treatments, a suitable donor match had been found.  We immediately went into preparation mode to get the house ready for infection control, not spending a spare dime since I would be out of work for weeks, and tip toeing around family and friends because we wanted to keep the surprise quiet until after the procedure. We cancelled all travel, all vacations and even my participation in what could have been a career changing convention concert.

And then “it” happened!  I was in devotions one morning and I clearly heard God say to me “Forget the Back-up Plan…”   I didn’t have a clue what that meant at the time, but I knew it meant to trust Him.   In my mind’s eyes I immediately applied that thought to my finances, my job and so on and so on.  Everything except what would come next.

Just a few days before we were supposed to check into the hospital, I get a cold emotionless call from a third party nurse.   She gave no explanation. She would not answer any of my questions.   She offered no empathy or sympathy. She simply said a very technical version of “No Go. “

I don’t remember any reports of earthquakes that day.  But I felt it.   I didn’t know how I was going to tell my son, who was so excited about finally being free from the pain and isolation of dialysis.   I was furious. Was God playing with me like a cat with a string?   Imagine if you will, me going off by myself because I didn’t want any people to know though I knew in my spiritual mind God had a plan…..my heart and my head was all jacked up.  I wanted to know what I had done wrong.  I wanted to know what I needed to do better

As if God had not seen me, I reminded Him of all the nights I stood by my son’s bedroom door praying and listening for his breath making sure it was still there.   I reminded Him, how we believed through all the extreme body pain when the high dose narcotics wouldn’t do.   I reminded Him, how we stayed faithful even when were too tired to function.   I even bargain that even if my prayers were no good, then surely somebody amongst all the folks that prayed for our family there had to be one….even just one… whose faith was greater.

My screams were met with simply “Forget the Back-up Plan.”

It became clear that God was telling me to trust Him even when I could not trace Him. We found out later than the donor had a sudden condition that disqualified him.  If we had received that kidney, it would have failed us quickly.    We would have been in a bigger mess than what we started with.  Just like His Word says in Jeremiah 29, He has a plan that has a good and certain end.  For our Good and not to harm us.

As I told my three friends, it didn’t happen overnight.  Months have passed now and I still jump a little when the phone rings at night.   I will be honest and let you know that this piece took days to write because tears started to flow amidst a whole lot of “God I am sorry. “

I reveal all these things to simply let you know that whatever you are going through, You ARE normal.  Being faithful and believing is not always easy, but so very worth it.    Yes, Philippians 4:4 tells us to “Rejoice in the Lord Always, “  and then goes on to say “Again I say rejoice. “  I surmise that if we have to be told and then reminded to rejoice then apparently it “aint” always easy.

Believe it or not, He knows you hurt.  He is not a God so far out that He is not touched with our personal pains (Hebrews 4:15).  He is okay with you being honest about it.  He will not strike you down for asking questions.

Just remember that it is faith that moves mountains… not tears.   Cry but keep pushing!!!!

When The One Sees You

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“This is what He wanted to do and it gave Him great pleasure.”

(Ephesians 1:5b NLT)

Every day people are in search of someone to love.  Someone to care for and be cared for by.  They have an image in their heads of size, hair color, personality, affection and security.  Most often, though, that plan is reduced to a simple statement of “I will know it when I see it.”

It is this search for not just a companion, but someone to take great care for, that sends many right past the specialty shops in the mall.  Right past the big box gatherings.  Right past the matches of pure perfection and straight to the misfit mutt at the local pound.

Yes, I am talking about a puppy.  Or am I?

Amongst the human race, especially in these turbulent times, are many of us who feel very much like that “misfit mutt.”   Discarded, dumped off, found in the streets.   Caged in less than perfect circumstances and looked over because you might not be as gifted or trained as another.  You might be that one with the good heart, but prone to stain filled mistakes. You might be the one full of painful worms of abuse, hoping someone will notice and help.  Mangy, angry or docile.  Overused and unable to produce.   Though you have learned to beg and do stupid human tricks, your “best in show” blue ribbon escapes you.

Until the One “who knows you ….when He sees you” comes!

In Ephesians Chapter 1, Big Brother Paul encourages us that God already had an image of you in His mind. No matter what you may have done to make yourself unrecognizable, “God decided in advance to adopt (you) into His own family by bringing (you) to himself…This is what He wanted to do and it gave Him great pleasure.” (V5NLT)

That alone should make your tail wag!  Your “pound rescue” includes so much! God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, adopts you as His own and gives us every good spiritual blessing as He unites us with Christ.   Some of your “tags” in Christ are outlined in Paul’s letter:

V4:  Even before he made the world, God loved us and chose us in Christ to be holy and without fault in his eyes

V6 “….glorious grace He has poured out on us”

V7 He is so rich in kindness and grace that He purchased our freedom with the blood of his Son and forgave our sins.

V 8 He has showered his kindness on us, along with all wisdom and understanding.

V11 Furthermore, because we are united with Christ, we have received an inheritance from God,[c] for he chose us in advance, and he makes everything work out according to his plan.

V13 “……Good News that God saves you. And when you believed in Christ, He identified you as His own“

V 14 The Spirit is God’s guarantee that he will give us the inheritance he promised and that he has purchased us to be his own people. He did this so we would praise and glorify him

Take a quick moment if you will.   Reread the parts I have underlined on your adoption certificate.  Now take a praise break knowing that the Creator of the Universe, The Savior of the World, the King of Glory, promises all of this just to bring you “Home” with Him.

It gives Him great pleasure to be with you.

All He is asking in exchange is that you receive His love for you.  No matter how imperfect or less than worthy you feel right now ……come on out the cage!

No matter how far back in the pound you feel, Christ took your place at the Cross.  You don’t need to worry about life “putting you to “sleep.”

Don’t worry, He will never keep you tied up or on a leash, He wants you to experience the freedom of a daily walk with Him.   He will provide.  He will care for you.  He will be your security.

Best of all, you can stop chasing your tail now.  God has a plan for you!  He chose you….. in advance!

 

MARY, DID SHE KNOW?

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“ But Mary kept all these things and pondered them in her heart.” – Luke 2:19

 In the past few weeks, I have heard so many complaints of not having money for “this” or not having funds for “that” when it comes to Christmas.   Some to the point of “robbing Peter to pay Paul” for things they just can’t afford that will only bring them a momentary joy. Many are allowing themselves to drown in debt to prove that they are loved and that they do love.  So much Christmas spirit lost to being “Christmas broke!”

Others still moan that the recent elections and darkness in the world around us just ruined the season for them. Politics, prejudice and pain instead of tidings of comfort and joy.

Listening to all of groaning (and a time or two participating myself), I now think of Mary on her first Christmas. If anyone had a reason to complain, it would be her. Though the Bible does not say so, so don’t shoot me, I imagine that Mary’s First Noel is a bit different than the meek and mild story we relate on Christmas Eve.

On what should have been her honeymoon season, she was married to a good man who, nevertheless, was most likely caring for her out of obedience to God and probably not such much out of love for his betrothed wife or her unborn child.  She had been forced to exit home and leave family behind because an egotistical dictator wanted to count everybody.  She had spent days upon days riding a donkey, which would not have been great on any regular day, but a nightmare at nine months pregnant.   And adding injury to insult, due to a lack of accommodations, would soon find herself in labor next to the very beast of burden she had just used for transportation.

Yet, I don’t remember a gripe story in Luke 2:1-20.

But it does mention in verse 19 “she kept all these things and pondered them in her heart.”

No doubt she was amazed from the time the Angel told her that she was chosen to be the blessed mother. No doubt she was amazed when Elizabeth’s unborn child leaped in excitement at the coming of his cousin.   No doubt she was amazed that Joseph chose to stick by her when he could have had her stoned.  For now she was surrounded by a heavenly host pronouncing “Glory to God in the Highest” and a short time later a royal delegation would come to bestow great gifts.

But surely in her pondering, she must have thought of where they would go the next night.   I wonder what her thoughts were when they ran to Egypt to escape Herod as he slaughtered innocent babies in a search to destroy the one she was cradling.  Time and time again as he would be sought after, persecuted and ultimately crucified, what were her thoughts…… what might have been her complaints?   Did Mary always know and consider the tests and trials of mothering the Savior of the World? How did she feel loving the one child she had that was destined to die.

I would like to think that she always knew that God would provide for her needs and for the ways of escape. I would like to think that she always trusted in God’s plan. Even  in his last breaths Jesus made sure somebody was available to take care of his mother.  (John 19:26-27). But I am sure, even as she sang sweet lullabies  to the Son of God dressed as the Son of Man, she had her days.  She was 100 percent  human entrusted with the care of the 100 percent King of Glory.

Provision on the run could not have been easy.   Watching Him give His all for a dark and devious world, could not have been easy.   Certainly watching Him die for people who would someday complain about Christmas would be no holiday!!!!

So I admonish you (as I do myself) that if the season we call Christmas is “getting to you,” then I can almost guarantee you that your focus and pondering is in the wrong place.     It isn’t in a line at a black Friday sale.   It isn’t at a tree lighting ceremony.   It isn’t at the annual pageant at your church this Sunday.

The true joy of Christmas is not even at the manger.  It comes thirty-three years later at an empty tomb where the ultimate gift is given.  He gave you salvation and peace and even a promise to be there during the lonely points when we miss those who have gone on before us. No gift you can or cannot give could ever top that.    Stop trying and stop stressing.

But gift HIM your best gift.  A surrendered heart that is willing to ponder Him.

See, your Christmas just got merrier!!!!

TAKING HIS PEACE BACK WITH ME

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“ Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. – John 14:27New International Version (NIV)

 It has become a practice of my husband and mines that every morning, before I get out of the car to go into my high stress advertising sales job, we pray.  We pray for safety. We pray for health. We pray for prosperity.  We pray for creativity.  We pray for peace. We have said the same prayers so often the words are almost identical in terms and then we give thanks. 

However, this morning, a certain part of the prayer struck a chord with me, “If there be no peace in this building, let the peace she imparts be returned to her upon exit.”

Whoa! Wait a minute!  I realized that perhaps the reason I often feel stressed going in and exhausted coming out, is because I have been so prepared to “do battle each day” that I have neglected to impart any peace.  Especially not the kind of peace that is founded on the Word.  

One of the definitions of peace in Webster’s describes it as “freedom from disquieting or oppressive thoughts or emotions.” Is this notably the peace that Jesus is gifting us in John 14:27?  Certainly, highlighted by commanding us to “let not your hearts be troubled….. do not be afraid.”

Being the thorough Savior and Redeemer that He is, He promised that it was a perfected peace. Not one as the world gives, that is based on circumstance, and surely not the one being manufactured by me just to get to my desk in the morning.

So imagine with me if you will, how much better my day is going to be tomorrow! Armed this time with the “Peace of Christ” rather than the sadly lacking “peace of Chelle,” I will be imparting His peace……adorned with the trust that He has everything going according to the plans He has for my life…. Including my work life. And then if it does not carry in this place, I will be able to take Him and His Peace back with me rather than stress and a headache.

My intention from this point forward is to be intentionally practicing peace! Join me?!