Category: faith

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Day 3. Webs, Spiders and Other Creepy Things

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Today I did a thing I am quite proud of. I pushed past my fear of webs and spiders and other creepy things and spent an exhausting amount of hours cleaning and tossing out stuff in the garage.

 Tired,sore,  itchy and most likely washing my hair for several days,  but it feels good to decide what goes, what stays, and what’s going to be sold to the highest bidder. 

This day was this kind of work…. in the natural and in my spirit. Going beyond the fears, doubts, and physical limitations to see what I am really made of. Decluttering and releasing that which no longer serves a purpose to me.    Finding strength and courage to let go. 

The closets and things hiding in the shadows are next.  22 years of junk and 56 years of secrets and faith killers being exposed.  

Finally screaming I AM WORTHY 

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Day Two: See-Saw For One

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Ironically,  the thing I love most about myself is also the thing I love the least…… That I am a tower of Ironies.

I will give unselfishly to some to the point of costing myself.  Then selfishly to some others hoping they would return a kindness just so I can feel loved. 

I am quick to pray for, hug and comfort a complete stranger in need of “just somebody.”  But will proceed with caution with anyone who is supposed to love me….wondering what it is they really want…from me.

I can wrestle with an angel and sometimes a devil on your behalf and full rejoice in your freedom. While secretly dying inside, wondering when it will be my turn,  If it will be my turn. 

It is a super power that I can operate this see-saw alone. It’s my kyptonite that sometimes I wish someone would deem me worthy to ride with me but let me have the good end. 

But even in the midst of what may seem very bipolar, I have come to learn that loving when I feel unloved, makes me all the more worthy. Not externally though. Loving me from within takes work and courage….. but I am so with it and worthy.

I ACCEPT ALL THAT I AM. I AM WORTH LOVING MYSELF TODAY

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Day 1. My Day

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Day 1

My day was also my day most terrified, but yet day most determined.

2500 people on a hot summer night watching me pour out my soul on the stage of the Dogwood Dell.  An outdoor venue. Hot and perfuming ironically with a bug spray aptly entitled “Off.”

5 minutes was all the stage time I got .  5 minutes of feeling all my 55 years and display and figuratively,  naked.. An original piece that I prayed most will never understand.  The musings of a sad little clown reclaiming her share of joy

.  I made some laugh and made some cry. Some applauded. Some politely attentive wondering what the imagery in my word salad was all about. One in particular showed up to mock me and hope that I would fail. In a moment of fear, I tripped,  but I did not fall in my moment of truth and freedom.

But I prevailed alone on that mic in a hot bubble of a spotlight. Speaking in veiled  colors about differences, disabilities,  challenges, hurt, loves lost, death but also reclaiming my right to be seen, heard, treated kindly, honored and never again to be defeated by my past.

A deafening round of applause at the final bow was nothing compared to the rhythm of a heart beat corrected to believe….. no, corrected to know that  I am worthy