Category: health

Dress Code?

Posted in cancer, God, health, inspiration, love, relationships, selfhelp, Uncategorized5 Comments

I have never been a very vain girl.  Even the day of my wedding I would have preferred a T-Shirt and Jeans over the big foo foo dress and sparkly make-up.   But I knew, I had a role to play and in doing so, you dress the part. You have to be able to tell the bride from the bridesmaids, right…. or at least from the groom.  LOL.

Just six days after my 50th birthday  and on the morning of one of the toughest days of my life, I woke up with the weirdest thought…. what does a girl wear?  What does a girl wear to chemotherapy?

As of that date and 5 months into my diagnosis, I had become accustom to baby  pink and “fight like a girl” shirts.  All kinds of inspirational buttons and “you gonna make it” paraphernalia.    And while I fully believed all the cups, the bags, and the jewelry have helped to develop a mostly healthy attitude about all of this, I wasn’t feeling any of it that day.

I only wore mostly all black, not to be morbid, but because it was convenient.  It would not show blood in case there was any. My tank top had a very lose neckline so that the nurse could access the port line that had been inserted in my chest just under my skin.  From it shoots a “line” that extends into the veins in my neck.  Hate that necessary evil. It protrudes from my neck like the veins of a body builder ready to “pump you up!”

Over that and black leggings, comfy socks and shoes, I wore my favorite big blue jean shirt. My modesty point so that I wouldn’t be giving out peep shows.  Chemo and infusion wards have no real privacy.  Soft, worn, out and comfortable! Familiar and feeling like me.  Tough for the wear but easy to the touch. Needed my old friend ….very old but not stained friend,….with me like the blankie I bought with me.

And speaking of blankie, that was my one pink deviation. A good friend had given it to me. It was covered with inspirational words… each of which I needed ….none of which I actually read that day  as I watched 3 bags of what I call “glow bugs” seeping into my veins.  Nor could I concentrate on the best seller I bought with me by Michelle Obama… nor my YouTube Videos.   The only thing in my well packed “field trip” bag that got attention was my massive stash of ginger snaps (for nervous tummies) and 2 liter bottle of water (glow bugs are very dehydrating.)

For the next 4 to 5 hours, I watched a drip. Drip. Drip. Drip.  At this point in my treatment plan, my ping pong ball sized breast tumor (which I didn’t feel by the way) has been cut out… along with all the lymph nodes (two cancerous) under my left arm.    The march of drips is designed to go throughout my body on a seek and destroy mission looking for any remnants.    Best explained as looking for any rapid producing “clumps” of redundant cells  (which cancer basically is) to kill.   I wondered why it doesn’t take out fat.  I must remember to ask my doctor that next time.

From time to time a nurse would check on me.

“Anything hurt?”   –  Nope.

“Hot or cold?”  – No Maam

“Need a pee break?”  – No thank you

“Need a snack?”    –    What ya got?

“You are so funny!” she says.   “Your positive attitude will serve you well thru this”

And that is when i realized what I really wore to chemo that day.  The funny girl had worn her fraud face.

I told my husband, I wanted to do this first one alone.   Told my aunties, I got this… go live your life. My kids didn’t even ask because they know their mama.    I bravely noted I didn’t need nobody but Jesus.   And while He is thoroughly all I ever need “my outfit” had started to crumble just about the 5th hour.

I have always used laughter to cover my fears.   I use my faith as my own personal super hero cape.  Taking care of others is how I am able to fly.  My pride made me smile through the need to vomit just so the mother of the girl in the chair next to me would not be afraid.    I even commented to another that I hope my face looked as pretty as hers when my hair starts to leave me.   I joked about wanting to be a “Wakanda General” rather than a wig wearer.

In reality, I wanted to suck my thumb, something I have never done.   I wanted to stuff my face with fiery Cheetos, something I have always done.    For once I wanted to lose control and scream …. ” I hate this!, Cancer sucks! The Attack on Boobies Is Evil.” Something I will probably never do.

My personal kryptonite would not let me. I caught the one tear before it dropped.

Just then I knew I heard  My Comforter, who was still with me even when i was being fraudulent, wooing me to sleep with  the “its going to be okay” that I would not receive from any human  that day.    At some point I nodded it off, feeling my well created facade wrinkling as much as the chambray shirt I was wearing.   Soft, comfortable, tough for the wear, able to cover a multitude of flaws.  In the midst of my dreaming ( and some snoring) I felt in my spirit, “crying is okay, even for tough little clowns”

 

-Michelle

 

My Team Of Incredibles

Posted in God, health, inspiration, love, relationships, selfhelpTagged , 2 Comments

Incredibles2-759x500Anyone who knows me well, knows that I have always been fiercely independent and never wanted to lean9 on anybody….but yet would do and be for others whenever possible. Hey, it took years for me to let go without having a back-up plan written out for God.
Now that I am in a season of finding strength in weakness and finally allowing “folks in”, I am finding peace and joy in the presence of others that I never quite knew before.

It is not quite easy and it is never going to be 100% comfortable but in this hour God is using my team of “The Incredibles” to show me the love in the leaning.

I won’t start naming names because you have become numerous. You know who you are: family, friends, “used to be” strangers, in-laws and outlaws, survivors, fighters, care professionals, prayer partners, Bible Buddies, and my amazing team at Virginia Breast Center.

I just want to thank you all for “wearing me down” with acts of kindness, words of encouragement, prophetic utterances and hugs that I used to hate but suddenly welcome.

Again I love my “Incredibles”!! You are my strength, my stretching, my fire, my speed and you cover me in the invisible realms!!

Until next time, Michelle

WHERE ARE YOU?

Posted in christmas, God, health, inspiration, love, money, relationships, selfhelp, UncategorizedTagged , 1 Comment

I would have fainted,  unless I had believed to see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. – Psalms 27:13

1/7/18.   I will always remember that date like it was a star date in the Star Trek Captain’s Log.

Started off as a normal Sunday set-up. I had just cleaned up the area around the sound booth and was adjusting everything to get ready for that morning’s praise and worship.   Service was a running a few minutes behind, but we were still fresh off our morning’s high of pre-worship hour prayers.

Then it happened. My phone rang. I almost never answer it during service. In fact, two minutes before I had nudged one of our teenagers about having their phone in use during Sunday school.

But I recognized the number. That familiar 264 exchange that every “kidney” family in my region of Virginia recognizes.

Breathless, full of anticipation, and almost terrified, palms and face sweating in two seconds flat, I answered to the coordinators voice…. “WHERE ARE YOU?”

You see, protocol call dictates that when the organ sharing center receives a possible match, you must call the prospective recipient to make sure they are within four hours of their chosen transplant hospital.   Once whereabouts are confirmed, they then say they will call you back and promptly hang up.

Yes, you read that right. In one of the shakiest moments of your life, they hang up with a promise to call you back within an hour…..or so…. If it is a good match.

I was still in the sound booth. My son was sitting on his favored spot approximately 6 rows in front of me. I didn’t know whether to tell him or not that his life was about to change because we had been disappointed by these phone calls twice before.

I simply texted him “be ready to go when I tap you.”  

His answer to me was a simple “Ok”. Never even asked why. Just trusted that if I said go, we go.

For me, on the other hand, this would be the longest 59 minutes of my entire life.   Seems like time and space stood still. Room temp was suddenly too warm for me and the air too stale.   I can’t remember if I set the microphones correctly… pastor could have been screaming and I would not have heard him.   The praise and worship team was faithfully belting out songs that my impatient ears could not discern. All I could distinguish was the rhythm of the beating drum that was now matching my racing heartbeat.

Just about 45 minutes into the process, I had to set a course correct.   Not on the sound board, but in myself.   I had to steady myself on a bumpy ride by apologizing to God, to Jesus, to Holy Spirit.   I had become so consumed with that phone call I forgot to continue in personal worship and attention to the Word being brought forth.   I was esteeming what I wanted from God…more than I was esteeming God.

It was as if in that moment, Holy Spirit was ringing within my heart and asking “WHERE ARE YOU?”

I steadied myself. I readied myself. I began to worship through tears of pending decision, proclaiming that as much as I wanted this gift to release my son from 5 years of agonizing dialysis treatments, that I wanted the Presence of the Lord even more.

As my spiritual belly began to be filled with more and more of knowing that God was with me no matter what, I heard in my spirit, “hang up” and I looked down and the phone I had been clutching in my hand rang.

Tearfully I answer. Joyfully, 58 minutes into the wait, the coordinator responded……”HOW FAST CAN YOU GET HERE?”

And such is the stuff of our walk in Christ!!!!

How often have we positioned ourselves to want and need from God, some things directly tied to a promise that we are sure He made to us, and then only to find ourselves in a position that seemed more than we can bear.   We sadly turn our “knock and the door shall be open” approach to believing into a heartsick lifestyle of being unfulfilled, unsatisfied and yes, even unbelieving unless we see the manifestation of the desire.

Hebrews 11:6 instructs us that “he who comes to God must believe that He is, and that He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him.   Note it says “diligently seek Him”. Not diligently seek it.

In our individual journeys, we must be careful to remember when God calls to ask “Where Are You” that we be found seeking Him and not just the “thing” we are in hopes of.   We need to be diligently obsessed with His Word, trusting His timing and praising His goodness even when it seems if all will fall apart.

And when He “hangs up,” we need to trust that He will indeed call again. While we wait, we need to focus on Him and His goodness.   Hang up on any thought that causes you to doubt and despair. We need to abandon our consumption with the “will He” notions of whether we will be given that perfect mate.   Ignore the siren of ticking biological clock.   Avoid the stress of will the money come in time.   Steel yourself to know more of Him….even when your child’s life is in the balance..

Trust God and His Goodness. . Even when it seems distant….it is in God’s plan. Even if it turns differently that what you expect, it is in His plan. Even if it is a no…because of reasons greater than we understand….better is in His plan.

Let the love of Him guide you. Let knowing that He only wants the best for you to guide you.   Understand that loving Him more than anything you could ask for or desire is key in the knowing that soon He will be looking to call you to higher heights and greater blessings. Some so marvelous that you will forget what you originally wanted.   Reset your control and let God have His way with it.

One last question.   He wants to know and I am a bit curious in my prayers for you too.

Since we are confident that God is always on time, how soon can YOU get here?!